Hey there!

Happy Momentum Monday (on a Sunday)! 

Ok so remember that time (those times) when your entire mood tanked because someone changed the plan last minute?

Or because a text you expected never showed up?

Or because an appointment got moved?

Or because a project that “should’ve taken an hour” somehow swallowed your entire afternoon?

Yeah. Same.

But here’s something I’ve been noticing lately:

A lot of the stress isn’t actually coming from what happened.

It’s coming from the gap between what I expected to happen and what actually happened.

And for ADHD brains, that gap can feel HUGE.

Why Expectations Hit ADHD Brains So Hard

Let’s say your partner says they’ll be home around 6.

You’ve already created a whole mental movie:

“We’ll eat dinner around 6:30.”

“Then I’ll relax.”

“Then I’ll finally have enough energy to tackle that thing I’ve been putting off.”

Then they get home and actually have another 2 hours of work to catch up on. 

That messed with your whole (unspoken) plan! 

Suddenly you’re irritated, overwhelmed, dysregulated, and wondering why you’re so damn upset.

Was it really the extra 120 minutes?

Maybe.

But often it’s the collapse of the plan that your brain had already committed to.

ADHD brains tend to rely heavily on mental forecasting.

We spend a lot of time imagining how things are going to go because we’re constantly trying to create enough certainty to function.

The problem?

Reality rarely follows the script.

And when reality changes, our nervous system often reacts as if something has gone wrong—even when nothing catastrophic actually happened.

We’re talking about one of the sneakiest sources of ADHD stress:

Unspoken expectations.

Why Unspoken Expectations Create So Much Stress

Most expectations don’t show up as obvious thoughts.

We don’t walk around saying:

“I expect my partner to text me if they’re running late.”

Or:

“I expect this task to only take an hour.”

Or:

“I expect my friend to remember that thing I told them last week.”

Instead, our brains quietly fill in the blanks and create a story about how things are going to go.

Then when reality doesn’t match the story?

Cue frustration.

Disappointment.

Resentment.

Anxiety.

Sometimes all before lunch. 😏

The tricky part is that nobody actually agreed to the expectation.

Sometimes we never even realized we had it.

The Silent Agreements We Create

One thing I’ve noticed in my own life is that some of my biggest emotional reactions come from expectations that were never spoken out loud.

Things like:

“They’ll let me know if plans change.”

“If they cared, they’d remember.”

“They know I need an answer.”

“This shouldn’t take this long.”

“They’ll do it the way I would do it.”

Sound familiar?

The problem isn’t necessarily the expectation itself.

The problem is when we mistake an assumption for an agreement.

Because those are not the same thing.

An assumption lives in our head.

An agreement is something that’s been discussed and understood by everyone involved.

And when we treat assumptions like agreements, we often end up frustrated by people who didn’t even know they were supposed to be meeting a certain expectation in the first place.

Why This Can Feel Bigger for ADHD Brains

For many of us, changes in plans, uncertainty, and having to pivot on the fly require a lot of mental energy.

So when an expectation gets disrupted, we’re often not just reacting to the event itself.

We’re reacting to everything attached to it.

The partner being late isn’t just the partner being late.

It’s dinner happening later.

It’s the evening routine changing.

It’s having to mentally shift gears.

It’s the version of the evening we had already mapped out in our head suddenly disappearing.

And when we’re already running low on bandwidth, that can feel like a much bigger deal than it might seem on the surface.

What We Actually Have Control Over

The goal isn’t to have zero expectations.

You’re a human being, not a robot.

The goal is to become more aware of them.

Because once we notice them, we have options.

We can:

Clarify them.

Communicate them.

Adjust them.

Or decide they’re important enough to have a conversation about.

Sometimes the stress isn’t solved by lowering the expectation.

Sometimes it’s solved by simply saying it out loud.

Instead of assuming someone knows what you need, tell them.

Instead of guessing what someone means, ask.

Instead of filling in the blanks, get clarification.

I know. Revolutionary. 😂

But seriously, so much unnecessary stress comes from trying to mind-read or expecting others to mind-read us.

This Week’s Action Item

This week, the next time you feel irritated, disappointed, hurt, or frustrated, pause and ask yourself:

What expectation did I have here?

Then ask:

Did I communicate that expectation?

And finally:

Was this an agreement, or was it an assumption?

Because those are three very different things.

Expectation.

Communication.

Agreement.

When we can tell the difference, we stop creating so many invisible contracts that nobody else knew they signed.

And that creates a whole lot more flexibility, clarity, and peace of mind.

Which means less energy spent being frustrated and more energy available for the things that actually matter.

And that’s a pretty good trade.

Until next week,

Leah 🌶️

P.S. Don’t be surprised if you start noticing these hidden expectations everywhere this week. Once you see them, you can’t unsee them. And that’s kind of where the magic starts.

P.S.S. If you’re tired of feeling like your ADHD keeps handing you the same lessons on repeat, coaching might be a bit of a shortcut.

I’m currently running a Summer Special for both 1:1 Coaching and Small Group Coaching, and I’d love to help you figure out what’s actually getting in your way.

Book a free call and let’s have a real conversation about what’s working, what’s not, and what support could look like for you.

No pressure. No awkward sales pitch. Just two humans talking ADHD.

Sometimes one good conversation can create a whole lot of momentum.